throughout the course of my first semester at college, my eyes have been opened to many realizations, whether they are fascinating, heartbreaking, inspiring, or painful. its hard for me to sometimes keep myself motivated to do what my heart feels like i need to do.
the world is headed in a direction where women are supposed to be advancing to where men were. Women are supposed to be included with the current leaders of the world, but it is very clear to me, now, why there are so few women in positions that are dominated by men. its becuase as soon as men see a woman advancing, they feel intimated and imposed upon. Men will do anything to keep themselves looking powerful. There are very few who respect the potential and success of others. Men will [un-knowingly] be harder/unfair to a woman on the rise to protect themselves from falling out of the lime light. and it's not just men that behave this way when someone new steps in. women also become very defensive when faced with a similiar situation.
i did not realize just how frequent these tendencies have become until, over the last few weeks, i have experienced them first hand. since the beginning of october, i have been striving to become a member of a certain organization which requires tremendous strength, potential, and determination. i am the only female currently striving for this position, and, at first, i didn't think it would make a difference. since then, i have been yelled at, singled out, unnecessarily pressured, and not pressured when necessary. I try to take all these things as a growing experience, but its hard when the mood never changes. I question why particular people say, do, and think the things they do about me, and why they do not treat the men who are equal to me the same way. the things i have been through as of late have made me feel smaller and smaller. i am having new negative experiences more frequently as i become better. i am not sure if they are pushing me to become better, or trying to stop my progression towards greatness.
i do not wish to be an esteemed leader becuase of power, money, and/or fame. i simply wish to become the best person that i can be, and it seems to me that this is threatening to certain people right now. tonight, i was singled out and forced to do something against my will. I am not sure if this person was pushing me to be better, or pushing me to fall back, but its hard to convince myself to keep pushing, when others want me in the opposite direction.
as of right now, i feel very down on myself. my efforts are either not appreciated or not recognized.
or maybe i am just wrapped in self pity.
we'll see what happens and where i decide to go.