Food Stamps

M and I are at walmart after a long drive home from wyoming and we got our shiznit that we needed and went to the checkout. so whatevs right? nothing out of the ordinary. Well I'm standing by the register putting my wallet away and i'm listening to the girl in line after me.

now dont take the following description as me being judgemental, its just me giving you a visual. She is really tall, medium weight for a tall girl, black hair, monroe piercing, skater shoes, low cut shirt with boobies hanging out, LOOTS of black eyeliner, and lots of foundation make-up. She is with two dudes: one dressed normal and one with a flat cap on, turned to the side of course, a gianormous hickie on the front left of his neck, baggy pants, a wife beater under a zip up hoodie that was, yes, unzipped. you get the picture.

well, as i'm standing there putting my wallet away, i hear her ask the cashier for a pack of cigs. one of the dudes with her says, "you can't put that on the food stamps card."

She replies, "no i'll just slide the food stamps card for the other stuff."

I literally stopped for a second and stared. Here's what was going through my head. We have a girl spending all her money on lots of eyeliner, piercings, foundation, and cigarettes, and she is using FOOD STAMPS. like seriously. I'm not down with this situation at all. I'm scrounging for money to go buy stuff to eat for breakfast, and she has a f***ing food stamps card but spends her own money on CIGARETTES. really. this is an issue.

Picking up Chris and Tracy from the airport

I was pretty sure i could do it. i mean, it's not THAT hard. I left in time to go down and park in the parking garage. I go to the parking garage and park. I look around and it's all pretty much really nice cars around me... Then it made sense why the sign in front of me said "Hertz 46." They were all rentals. I back out, and go ask the dude how the crap i get into the civilian parking garage becuase i just want to pick up my cousin and his girlfriend who are in the navy. he tells me with his indian accent "go out and pollow de exit sign and go lebt. den curb back around and go back in to da lebt."

....ok thanks. so i do just that. aaaaaand ended up in the same spot. so i end up going out AGAIN and parking in the economy parking lot. i walk in following the "Walkway to Terminals" sign, and meet up with Chris and Tracy. We grab their bags and head out to the parking lot... i thought. After walking the perimeter or the airport, i realized i had no idea where my car went. We ended up jumping one barrier and another fence and i finally found my car. but that's not all. we were driving home and chris was so into my pod and my system that he forgot to tell me where to exit. we ended up exiting off I-80 east and driving in some dirt road in some city. Well we finally made it home and I ended up having to call matt once i left to navigate me back home.

I called him and he was like "ok, now tell me what street you're on and what direction you're heading.

D: "I'm on 5400 West going east."

M: "doniell east/west streets go north and south..."

D: "WELL. F. idk where the crap i am."

so we go through this whole run around somehow i missed Bangerter, Redwood Road, and I-215. finally he navigates me back to I-15 where i head home.

It's my fever....

D: "How do you drive from Alaska?"

M: "Canada."

D: "It's attached?!"



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M: "And maybe while we're there we can get some dill pickle ice cream too. hahaha"

D: "no that will probably hurt my throat more."

M: ??? yeah...

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Untitled.

throughout the course of my first semester at college, my eyes have been opened to many realizations, whether they are fascinating, heartbreaking, inspiring, or painful. its hard for me to sometimes keep myself motivated to do what my heart feels like i need to do.

the world is headed in a direction where women are supposed to be advancing to where men were. Women are supposed to be included with the current leaders of the world, but it is very clear to me, now, why there are so few women in positions that are dominated by men. its becuase as soon as men see a woman advancing, they feel intimated and imposed upon. Men will do anything to keep themselves looking powerful. There are very few who respect the potential and success of others. Men will [un-knowingly] be harder/unfair to a woman on the rise to protect themselves from falling out of the lime light. and it's not just men that behave this way when someone new steps in. women also become very defensive when faced with a similiar situation.

i did not realize just how frequent these tendencies have become until, over the last few weeks, i have experienced them first hand. since the beginning of october, i have been striving to become a member of a certain organization which requires tremendous strength, potential, and determination. i am the only female currently striving for this position, and, at first, i didn't think it would make a difference. since then, i have been yelled at, singled out, unnecessarily pressured, and not pressured when necessary. I try to take all these things as a growing experience, but its hard when the mood never changes. I question why particular people say, do, and think the things they do about me, and why they do not treat the men who are equal to me the same way. the things i have been through as of late have made me feel smaller and smaller. i am having new negative experiences more frequently as i become better. i am not sure if they are pushing me to become better, or trying to stop my progression towards greatness.

i do not wish to be an esteemed leader becuase of power, money, and/or fame. i simply wish to become the best person that i can be, and it seems to me that this is threatening to certain people right now. tonight, i was singled out and forced to do something against my will. I am not sure if this person was pushing me to be better, or pushing me to fall back, but its hard to convince myself to keep pushing, when others want me in the opposite direction.

as of right now, i feel very down on myself. my efforts are either not appreciated or not recognized.

or maybe i am just wrapped in self pity.

we'll see what happens and where i decide to go.

I'm pretty cool.

to m: "yeah i need to go to walmart cuz i dont have any toast for my cereal."

m: ".....oh cool."